Most undergrads were not old enough to vote for Kerry in 2004, so they haven’t experienced the disapointment when the liberals don’t win in the end. So they already assume that Obama is the next president, saying things like “Wow, how cool is it that we are going to have a black president!?!” Ummm… chances are we’ll have another rich white dude, but I’m all for positive thinking too…

College students show their support for Obama in a few different ways. They might join the Facebook group “100,000,000 Strong for Obama.” Or the “100,000,000 Strong AGAINST Hillary.” They might put an Obama sticker on their car. But they definitley won’t protest against the war, volunteer to knock on doors on Election Day, research how Obama stands on issues compared to other candidates, or even join the Democratic organization on campus.

But at least college students are of legal age to vote, and at least most of them will.

You and your buds are at a party. You’re probably drinking Coors Light, or depending on the region Bud Light or PBR, and waiting for you turn to play beer pong. All of a sudden this 18 year-old 110 pound vixen crosses your line of sight.

What do you do?

Well, if you are typical college student you think “I want to put my penis in that” and go talk to her.

Hooking up is strictly a college pnenomenon. In high school you live with your parents, and if you are having sex, it happens at random points during the day when parents are gone (like 3pm). Once out of college, you really can’t hook up like you did when you were in school because it’s time to grow up and stop being a slut. College students hook up because they are finally out on their own and able to bring anyone home they choose without dealing with their parents.

Hooking up can be associated with some problems though. Such as when your roomate brings someone home and proceeds to hook up with them in the loft above you. That’s not nice. Not to mention transmissal of STDs. And there’s always the awkward bumping into former hook ups at the worst time and place, such as 2 years later when you are out with your new boyfriend/girlfriend (who you probaby met as a hook up too…)

But most importantly… college students hook up beause they can use the “I WAS SOOOOOO DRUNK!!!” excuse if any hook up comes back to haunt them. (that’s also how they justify it half the time as well)

The reason college students love anything free is because they have no idea when their parents will cut them off and they will have to completely support themselves. So because they are resourcefull, they start hoarding free stuff right off the bat in preparation for when they have to support themselves. They can’t afford to do that now, and assume they won’t be able to afford it when the time comes either. This is also why college students steal forks, cups, plates, and other eating supplies from the dorm cafeteria. Once they move off campus they will need these things, have never bought them before, so instead of going to Target to get their own, they get them for free. I’ve been to lots of college houses where their entire cabinets are filled with stuff from the dorms the year before. That’s why they also go bonkers for free clothes, even if it’s about 5 sizes too large. In the future they’ll need clothes, so why not sign up for that credit card and get that shirt? I’ve also known college students who steal toilet paper from the dorms and hold on to it for a year until they move off campus.

College students will also do almost anything for free food as well. This may mean joining a club, attending a speech, or asking freshmen to use their guest swipes at the cafeteria. I guess their rationale is “If you don’t pay for food, you have more money for beer!” Hey, it’s logical.

While drinking in itself is an enjoyable activity for college students, they like to spice things up by playing a drinking game. Games such as Asshole, Beerpong, Beer Die, Egyptian Rat Screw, and so on are usually common place at social gatherings. Sometimes a party may be too hoppin to organize a drinking game, but for those more chill get togethers they are a great idea for getting everyone hammered.

The other form of interactive drinking is the drink itself. Two of my favorite examples are Flaming Dr. Peppers and Edward 40 Hands (which goes waaaay beyone being simply a drinking game).

Flaming Dr. Peppers:

1 bottle of Amaretto Liquer
1 bottle of 151 or Everclear
1 case of domestic beer
1 lighter
1-10 shotglasses (depending on how many people are participating)
same number of glasses
Inflamable drinking surface (that means no tablecloths… learned that from experience)

Pour the shotglass 3/4 full of the Amaretto and top off with 151. Pour the beer in the glass so it is approximately 2/3 full. Light the 151 on fire. Drop the shotglass in the beer. Chug.

Tastes like Dr. Pepper

Edward 40 Hands

I like this game because you learn so much about everyone involved, especially once it comes time to break the seal. Simply duct tape a 40 oz. to each hand. You can’t remove the 40 until empty (depending on rules, you might be able to remove one at a time, but remember the other will be horribly warm by the time you finish the first). Let the hillarity begin!

You can tell if they are true music aficionados if they can spout off a 15 minute rant about how they saw Eric Bachman when he was still in Crooked Fingers or how Band of Horses have completely sold out since signing with Sub Pop and they saw them when they were 9 years old. Their 80 GB iPod will be completely full, and wardrobe will be comprised of concert tees mixed with vintage. All this combines to strengthen their indie-cred (more important than GPA).

If you ever stumble upon one of these self declared music prophets, you can easily score dozens of new burnt CDs simply by asking them “So what are some new bands you’ve heard?” Just beware that if they ever ask to check out your iTunes, make sure to promptly delete any embarrassing music such as Beyonce, Fall Out Boy, Incubus, and All American Rejects (as well as the before-mentioned bands). If they see any of this music (or similar) belonging to you they will immediately sever all ties.

Note: I’m not saying the bands mentioned are bad in any way; they are just way too popular for these self-proclaimed music freaks.

College students like college basketball because….

well….

IT RULES!!!!!!

Sorry, I’m trying to come up with some sort of witty rationale why students love basketball, but I’m just so stoked on last night’s game I can’t.

The first are the Hippies (sometimes known as Trustafarians). 

In high school, most of these now Hippies probably smoked weed and listened to Phish, but also wore Abercrombie and the Gap.  Once in college they found all the other people that smoke weed and listen to Phish and all simultaneously traded their “preppy” clothes for ones made of hemp, bought chacos, smoked a bowl, and grew dreads.  Although they join their local university’s Save The ___insert environmentally threatened subject___ group, they can also be seen driving their Expeditions four blocks to class.

The next stereotypical social group are the Wannabe Emo Band Members.

With the exception of maybe 3, most emo bands completely suck.  But since the whole genre is based on not being able to sing or play instruments well, many geeky college students can become instantly cool by becoming Emo.  They don’t even have to be in a band, although it does up your indie cred, they just need to look the part.  Instead of practicing the guitar or keyboards, these Wannabe Emo Band Members will most likely be seen smoking cigarettes on the stoop of some eclectic coffee shop having pseudo-intellectual conversations.  And though their parents pay their tuition and rent, they feel the need to live like a starving musician, possibly dumpster diving for food and picking up cigarette butts off the ground to get one or two puffs out of (also increases their indie cred).

The last and definitely the most dominant are the Greeks.

These are the cool kids from high school that always new they were cooler than everyone else, but couldn’t admit it because then no one would vote them as Homecoming Queen or come to their graduation party.  Now in college where only Political Science dorks ran for anything important they can flex their coolness-muscles and join a Fraternity or Sorority.  Greeks like this because a) they can choose who gets in, b) everyone that gets in are just like them, and c) they never have to deal with non-greeks (unless they are stuck with them on a class project).  Greeks love being greek because it is just like high school; dances, clubs, Homecoming, etc.  But now they can let everyone on campus know how great they are.

By maybe their junior year of college, students will usually get over what ever stereotypical social group they have joined and return to their normal ways.  Maybe they need to cut their dreads to get an internship, keep growing out of those damn skinny jeans, or simply realize whatever group they have joined is not their life and just move on.   

But once you pack up and head off to college, parents become entirely different beings. Instead of the hateful trolls that felt they could control you just because they carried you in their womb for nine months, they actually become somewhat… cool?

Cool may be too strong a word, but they are good for a few things in college students’ minds.

a) They give out money. Lots of money. $30k a year for tuition while their you get stoned and skip class. $500 a month for rent. Plus many college students still get “allowance” so they don’t have to risk their grades by having a part time job. Though most of this money goes to beer, pot, and food.

b) They take you (and 3-7 of your friends) out to eat whenever they visit; usually dropping at least $200. This is their obligation for giving you a hard time for the first 18 years of life and they feel they need to make it up to you.

c) They finally treat you like an adult; although you still need them to make rent.

By the time these people enter college it is an entirely different story. The first weed they find is actually in bud-form opposed to looking like a bag of old yerba mate. Plus it will be more potent, stinky, and stone them more than the first time they huffed whip cream when they were eleven. And it’s everywhere, even your Microeconomics TA can hook you up with a bag. Thus, college students’ love affair with the wacky tobacky is born.

Freshmen in the dorm must deal with the hassle of either finding a way to secretly toke up in their room or meet chill friends off campus to borrow their couch and bongs for a while. Contraptions involving dryer sheets, plastic bottles, toilet paper rolls, and other such household items are put to use by hundreds of students all over campus, but this can easily end with a “write up” faster then you can say “Abba Zaba, you my only friend.” Much safer to venture off campus where you will most likely become immersed in your town’s local smoking circle who jams the Dead while discussing other stimulating topics such as their roadtrip to Conventry for Phish’s last show, which chinese restaurants have free delivery, and which heady nugs to pack next.

Another thing college students like about weed is they can name their smoking devices.

“Hey man, should we pack Lil’ Smokey or Bongalo Bill?”

Beware, becoming too involved in pot culture can lead some to believe they don’t need college degrees to make it in the world, they can just start selling it. Don’t fall into this trap, you life will be much more satisfying by shelling out $50 once a week with a college degree than trying to find some sort of minimum wage job after 3-5 in the pen.

The rules of beer pong can vary depending on the region it is being played, it is even called Beirut at some Ivy League conferences, but the main idea remains the same.

1. There is a long table; ping-pong tables are used most frequently.
2. There are 10 cups on either end of the table arranged in a triangle each filled about halfway full with beer.
3. Generally, the game is played in teams of two where each player throws one of two ping-pong balls into the one of the opponents’ cups. Once the two balls are on the opponent’s side it is their turn to throw.
a. One ball in the cup means the opponent drinks that cup of beer.
b. Two balls in means the opponent drinks three cups of beer.
4. The winners are the team who makes the other team drink all their cups of beer.

Now there are some very specific rules and variations to be aware of:

If the ball bounces on the table the other team can swat it away. Some do not allow the elbow of the thrower to cross the edge of the table, so not to give them an unfair advantage.

If the ball hits the cup but does not go in the other team just takes a drink.

If the ball goes in but swirls around the edge of the cup and has not dropped into the beer yet, the other team can “blow” on it to get it out of the cup (Note: some conferences only allow girls to blow… well because girls blow and guys don’t).

Teams are also able to ask the other team to re-arrange their cups to form a more appealing triangle, but rules on this vary extremely from conference to conference.

Make sure to understand all the rules before entering a tournament because once the ball is thrown it’s on and there aren’t any instant replays. Someday beer pong will get the athletic recognition it deserves, but for now it still holds its place as the most amazing college sport in the US.

One might assume that all coffee shops serve the same purpose, but they’re wrong. College students are very picky when it comes to the coffee shops they frequent. Some might even be a regular at several different ones depending on the particular situation.

There are the quiet Starbucksesque establishments purely for students to study at while sipping their double-nonfat-half-caff-caramel-vanilla-latte with whip. Norah Jones (or other such mellow folksinger) is typically playing softly in the background while absolutely NO conversation is going on. If two middle-aged ladies suddenly come in for their weekly chit chat they are immediately given the stink-eye-glare by every table and forced to leave due to the awkwardness.

Then there are the funky and lively art coffee houses where no studying whatsoever can ever take place. You would be too distracted by the newest crop of Jack Keroacs next to you having pseudo-intellectual conversations as well as loud, sometimes abrasive, music playing while someone is hovering over you trying to hang a painting. On a Friday night you might find a slam poetry session, eight chess games, and possibly a drug overdose occurring simultaneously. Don’t ever think to come study here, the regulars will give you the nasty “Why don’t you go back to Starbucks? You’re sucking up all the cool!” look.

Somewhere in the middle are the casual “meet up after yoga” or maybe before a frizbee game “coffee shops.” I used quotations because most of the clientele will be drinking some sort of tea, mate, smoothies, or some other non-caffinated drink concoction while spouting “Caffeine’s a drug, man…” and then rolling another joint. Often a meeting place for grassroots organizations such as “Legalize It,” “Save Our Open Spaces,” and “Take Back the Whitehouse!” These are nice places for those usually ridiculed by the Greeks on campus to find a sense of community. Also great places to score herb

It’s a no-brainer that smoking cigarettes is cool, thus the smoking benches are where to find the cool people. Oftentimes non-smokers will even hang out at the smoking benches simply to meet these risk takers we call smokers. They might even take a drag or two just to fit in.

Most college smokers would agree that the friendships they have now would not have been made without the smoking benches. Where else can total strangers spark up a great conversation simply by asking “hey can I bum a square?” Usually these three and a half minute conversations will end with “so anything fun going on tonight?” and BAM a friendship is born!

It is completely unacceptable for any college lady to show up at the gym without a) straightening their hair, b) flawless make-up, c) brand new athletic shoes that have never touched pavement, and d) very short shorts. This way when they are “stretching” the young men coincidently behind them have a great view. Also, sportsbras are not at all flattering so must be replaced by a sexy lace bra (so the men around know they wear lingerie).

Granted about 5% of college students actually work out at the university rec center, but they are usually found running on the treadmill for countless hours. The rest of the student body who want to actually work out will join another gym, this way to escape the meat market on campus.

When trying to make conversation with one of these Gymrats, topics such as a) how much you can lift, b) how sweaty you are, and c) what’s going on later are all perfectly acceptable. Steer clear of intellectual conversation because most likely the girl you are talking to should probably be in class right now.

In every dorm there are two very important people to know.

The first being that guy who knows a guy that makes fake ids. Though uneccessary to become friends with this individual, it is important to meet him. Unfortunately, the craftsmanship of these fake ids will be very poor, will probably be from some random state like Rhode Island, and will cost you about $100 (McLovin anyone?).

The next very important person to know is the one guy/girl with an awesome fake id that always works. This person will probably be the most popular individual in the dorm because everyone will need them to buy their drinkables for them every weekend (or weekday). So of course this person will know exactly what is going on all over town at any point of the evening. Word to the wise: do not overuse this person though, they will become tired of going to the liquor store for you every week unless they are not repaid by a) free booze, b) weed, or c) sexual favors. Or you can just invite them to whatever party you are going to.

One last important thing to note:

The easiest form of a fake id (especially guys with facial hair) is just using your sibling’s old id. You already kind of look like the person, you know all the information on the card, and your appearance is easily altered so you don’t necessarily have to be the spitting image of the picture