Category Archives: life

#13 Hooking Up

Imagine this scenerio:

You and your buds are at a party. You’re probably drinking Coors Light, or depending on the region Bud Light or PBR, and waiting for you turn to play beer pong. All of a sudden this 18 year-old 110 pound vixen crosses your line of sight.

What do you do?

Well, if you are typical college student you think “I want to put my penis in that” and go talk to her.

Hooking up is strictly a college pnenomenon. In high school you live with your parents, and if you are having sex, it happens at random points during the day when parents are gone (like 3pm). Once out of college, you really can’t hook up like you did when you were in school because it’s time to grow up and stop being a slut. College students hook up because they are finally out on their own and able to bring anyone home they choose without dealing with their parents.

Hooking up can be associated with some problems though. Such as when your roomate brings someone home and proceeds to hook up with them in the loft above you. That’s not nice. Not to mention transmissal of STDs. And there’s always the awkward bumping into former hook ups at the worst time and place, such as 2 years later when you are out with your new boyfriend/girlfriend (who you probaby met as a hook up too…)

But most importantly… college students hook up beause they can use the “I WAS SOOOOOO DRUNK!!!” excuse if any hook up comes back to haunt them. (that’s also how they justify it half the time as well)

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#12 Freebies

College kids like free stuff like fat people like food. They know they don’t necessarily need it, but it’s there so why not? Posters, food, stickers, water bottles, etc. If it’s free they’ll take it. Heck, they’ll even sign up for a credit card as long as they get a free XXL t-shirt that says “COLLEGE” or “Philly Blunts.”

The reason college students love anything free is because they have no idea when their parents will cut them off and they will have to completely support themselves. So because they are resourcefull, they start hoarding free stuff right off the bat in preparation for when they have to support themselves. They can’t afford to do that now, and assume they won’t be able to afford it when the time comes either. This is also why college students steal forks, cups, plates, and other eating supplies from the dorm cafeteria. Once they move off campus they will need these things, have never bought them before, so instead of going to Target to get their own, they get them for free. I’ve been to lots of college houses where their entire cabinets are filled with stuff from the dorms the year before. That’s why they also go bonkers for free clothes, even if it’s about 5 sizes too large. In the future they’ll need clothes, so why not sign up for that credit card and get that shirt? I’ve also known college students who steal toilet paper from the dorms and hold on to it for a year until they move off campus.

College students will also do almost anything for free food as well. This may mean joining a club, attending a speech, or asking freshmen to use their guest swipes at the cafeteria. I guess their rationale is “If you don’t pay for food, you have more money for beer!” Hey, it’s logical.

#1 Fake IDs

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College students like to drink. A lot. But due to the fact most people enter college at 18, they are not legally able to purchase alcohol for another 3 years. Thus, the popularity of fake ids.

In every dorm there are two very important people to know.

The first being that guy who knows a guy that makes fake ids. Though uneccessary to become friends with this individual, it is important to meet him. Unfortunately, the craftsmanship of these fake ids will be very poor, will probably be from some random state like Rhode Island, and will cost you about $100 (McLovin anyone?).

The next very important person to know is the one guy/girl with an awesome fake id that always works. This person will probably be the most popular individual in the dorm because everyone will need them to buy their drinkables for them every weekend (or weekday). So of course this person will know exactly what is going on all over town at any point of the evening. Word to the wise: do not overuse this person though, they will become tired of going to the liquor store for you every week unless they are not repaid by a) free booze, b) weed, or c) sexual favors. Or you can just invite them to whatever party you are going to.

One last important thing to note:

The easiest form of a fake id (especially guys with facial hair) is just using your sibling’s old id. You already kind of look like the person, you know all the information on the card, and your appearance is easily altered so you don’t necessarily have to be the spitting image of the picture